tsumetai ame no naka...
within the frigid rain...

I touched the trace of this crimson tear
Everything but the everlasting reminder has fallen into the darkness
Your smile just keeps on appearing and fading over and over
A cruel pattern of fate, cast into the capracious wind

My wings no longer carry me into the sky
Stained crimson red, unable to hold you
I look to the pale blue moon above seeking repentence
Instead I see the bloodstained tears of those I've hurt

I close my eyes and say a prayer though there is no testament for me
Atone for your sins and you'll be reborn again is what they say
Here you'll find eternal peace, but instead it's an eternal hell

Whenever I turn back, the bitter unwanton voices resound
Whenever I close my eyes, the nightmares consume my soul
Whenever I think back, I think that someday we'll meet again
But who am I kidding...

I'll hold back my tears
Solitude is shattered by the ever-biting Venus
Despised lies have delicatly interwoven themselves into a glance of freedom
Bordering on a dream, extending my fintertips upward
A trigger is pulled with a carefree smile

A straining manipulation cries out do me
The end of the story is a desired fantasy everyone crowds around
A transparent future is but untold
I begin to wander about within a distorted field of vision
A sweet surrender, with they hands, shatter this rustic virtue

There are no words, no reason to draw closer to the grating peace
The shade of lies entangles each other and love within flickers
Running away from this blue night won't reveal anything
Just another jealous want

A sad question flows out passing through the spares of time
the keys of another door shine, trying in this deep night
So that it can connect strongly, my heart yerns to know the honey of freedom

As a yearning soul cries out in agony to be with one
Amidst the anguish and the tears neosis comes to mind
there never was one, and there never will be one
now and forever more
I'm walking alone and only my footsteps resound on the pavement
under the pouring rain, I smile a little
But I realized that it was never real, but just a facade
A sorrowful facade like the one I wear to protect my innocence

I will be standing right here and shouting
No matter how much the time passed me by
There is no forgiveness from a world that never changes
If you can't escape the lies, I'll give you peace
Within the pain that marks itself in my heart
A memory gone for good is more precious than anything else

But I can't hold back my tears
But who will notice? This rain will remove them
The very last words still wander in my empty heart
This feeling of mine expressed in a sorrowful melody
Even the lonely shadow not lingers in my memory
If I could only have just a little bit more courage

I was gazing up in the sky with my vacant eyes
I'll just give it up.
Or can I?
Nothing can stop me anymore.

Notes: I think I'm going to write a book on how poems make absolutely no sense whatsoever. Perhaps I should use these for my final paper in my Conceptual Theories of Metaphor Class. >:D JP will never knew what hit him. Anyways, don't ask what the hell I mean with this, I don't even know. 0.o;

doukeyakusha no namida
Tears of a Clown

*shrugs* That's all I have to say about it... >>;; Sums up how I've been feeling for as long as I can remember I guess. D:

From within the light, I saw a the real me
From within the darkness, I repeatedly called your name
From within the endless time, there's no one but you
Unable to atone, I lock myself away from it all
I am unable to do anything but pray because my sadness is not cured

If I cannot be forgiven, then everything can disappear
Sorrow and anguish, a world that needs nothing
If it's a dream that I cannot return to, then I'll destroy it all
The mirages are bluring the truth as the shadows collect my soul
Embrace an eternal sadness

No one asks for the reasons behind my tears
Because I've always been a clown
In the end, maybe the number of tears
far outweighed the smiles
That is... just how it is

I wasn't afraid of anything
not even the unforseeable future
Farewell, only my feelings for you will always remain
My soul melts into the oblivion
A past promise I made to never repeat the same mistakes
does nothing more than amplify the pain

I'll continue to wander this desolate road, alone
as the strokes of the road are painted before me
the ephemeral nature of the changing seasons
tears just flow without reason
Because even now, I love you

We didn't understand each other, and only caused pain for one another
We can't ever meet again, so I'll disappear along with the winter snow
For this life that has been exhausted
I was always crying out for you

Pale eyes closed,
Writhing and crying out with agony
I'll vanish away, embraced by the flame

tsunagaru shunkan mezameru eien machi kogareru
I’ve been waiting for the moment of our connection and the eternity of awareness

So... paranoia sets in. Perhaps I'm making a big deal out of nothing, or I'm just stewing in my own juices. Yuck... bad analogy. I let someone I go to school with read this, and well... it made me feel even worse and more dejected then I already am. I feel really shitty and I'm thinking of everything I ever did was a mistake and am apologizing for everything. I'm making people wonder about me and I don't know what the hell to do anymore. I want to find a reset button so badly... I'm digging my own grave with everything that I do. I just want an answer from somewhere, something to show me right or wrong. I just want the hurt that is building inside to end... even if what I truly wish for will never come true. I just need to know... I just need it to end. I just need a fresh start.

To all those that worry about me... please don't. This isn't your struggle. It is mine. I have to face it alone, even if it means I don't overcome it. This is how I always have been, and this is how I always will be. It's the looking and never touching aspect that our parents told us as a kid...

Jesus... why? Why the fuck do I do this? Why the fuck do I get like this? I just want to punch something or something... I just want the madness to end. I want to know where this started and why... There needs to be a conclusion somewhere... I don't want this to have a bad ending, but with the way the book is going, it probably will...

>.<;;

owattatte koto ka? dare ka, nanto kashitekure~! shiranaiaidani...
Is this the end, then?　Someone just get this over with~!　I don't know for how long...

*sighs* I've come to realize that my heart is clouded and I don't know how to be true to myself anymore. I've entered that phase once again where I'm beginning to have serious doubts about myself and how others see me. I've been getting the question of "Are you gay" quite a bit now because I've chosen to wear the PRIDE wristband. Even if I did explain why I have it, people won't understand. Apparently in this day and age you can't support one thing or another without automagically being labeled as such. It's really sad.

So why am I having a really bad week? Well... for one of the few times since I started writing on this weird journal, I've actually had feelings feelings for someone that I know. Now, this person had asked me if I was gay and whether or not I liked men and I vehemently denied that, and it also made me freaking out because I wasn't being true to who I really am. While I know now everyone will understand my plight, there are those that do and they sympathize with me.

I can't say for certain whether this individual asked these questions because they were interested in me (I'm assuming that they are bi on account of what their profile says), but that's an assumption I don't want to make. It really confuses me because I want to say something, but I don't want to ruin a friendship that I've just started to build with this individual. It also worries me that if this is true, I don't even know how to proceed in a relationship. The thought of it both scares me and interests me, but like I said, I don't know how to go about it. :S

Perhaps I'm just barking up the wrong tree as usual with this, but for now I'm not sure. I'll just stay in the shadows with this until I can attempt to read the situation. Perhaps I'm just wishing for something that won't ever come true. Perhaps the other individual is just as hurt by my reaction to the question he asked... I don't know. I just want an answer to be told to me somehow from someone before I go nuts...

atarashii tobira wo aketa...
I opened a new door...

The following is a rant that I have to get off my chest. I’m back in a rut again for a little while, and I think I’m just going to rock back and forth in it for a while. Some of you will know about this, and others may not.

Pranks are supposed to be funny, right? I know that they don’t seem that funny if you are on the receiving end, but what about the instance when you are the planner? What started out as an innocent joke that we were playing on someone, nearly spun out of control had it of not been for my guilty conscious. I was all set and ready to go with the next act when my careless exploitations of a young girl made me realize how much of a monster I can become.

The plan was simple. Two female coworkers in my department had pulled a prank on someone in a nearby department. It was a funny prank, and when I was told of the details, I suddenly wanted to continue the charade. Their end consisted of a note telling the individual that she (the young one) ‘really wanted him to call and talk to her’ followed by a cell phone number. The cell number was someone else’s, but he fell for it and tried texting it. So, after I had made a joke at him about it, that got the ball started for the new joke. However, as much as I thought about it and wanted to enact it to its fullest extent, there was that little voice in my head that had reminded me of what I was doing.

So, after it continued for a day, I was talking with the girl who left him the note to see what she thought I could do. She said that she felt bad about doing it, but not in a manner that sounded like she wanted to stop, but it sunk in for me. Feeling guilty, I decided to end it once and for all. However, when I got home, I noticed that the individual whom we had pranked was online. I had IM’d him, but he didn’t pay any attention to it. So after I responded to his IM on my phone, I outlined everything to him from my screen name. He didn’t get it at first, but slowly started to in the end.

So what’s my problem? Well, I exploited a seventeen-year-old coworker without even taking into account how she truly felt about the situation. It was more of a push or shove situation and I backed her into a corner (at least that’s how I see it). To make matters worse, I’ve not only caused the person I played a joke on to hate me more (at least that’s what I think), but also after talking to him, I started to get detached again. While talking to him, I wanted so badly to tell him how I truly felt about what I did and how I feel about him. But, that’s just not something that… would have been expressed well online. Considering the fact that he says he’s going to “kick my ass” at work tomorrow (which I shot off) doesn’t make me feel much better. I had originally gone through with the prank to get him back at some things he did to me, but even now I can’t even remember what those pranks were. The only one that comes to me is him calling me a ‘faggot’ from time to time in a manner that suggested he know about how… I am.

While I’m on the subject of ‘contemplating what I am’, someone in my IRC channel dug up some old logs. In the log, I was ranting about how I had feelings for this one guy at school and what not. And it wasn’t until I read what I typed some two years ago that the only gender I’ve had crushes on are males (or rather, openly expressed online). And when I read that, it hit me like a ton of bricks because it made me realize that for ‘claiming’ bi-curiosity, I was looking awfully gay right then and there, and had been apparently all along. So I entered emo-land… and shut up for about three days.

This is what really tears me up inside because… I don’t want to be gay, I just want to be normal like everyone else. I still have an attraction towards females, but it seems that I just have a stronger attraction toward the same sex. And out of all the things in the world that terrifies me the most, it’s being outed for that reason. I always deny it whenever I’m asked, because I know that everyone I know will just be judgmental of me and shun me for who I am. And it’s even worse because I just want to tell the person I played the prank on just how I feel about him, but I can guarantee that would definitely make an already fragile situation very unstable. Not to mention the fact that he’s probably a homophobe ten times over, and working in a department next to him probably wouldn’t settle well. Having to see him when cutting through all the time just… unsettles me. I know it sounds like an infatuation (in my head?), but I don’t know what it is really.

I don’t know why I get hung up on things like this, because it always ends up driving me insane and puts me in a mood that is hard to break sometimes. I get to the point where I just feel like if I end it all, things will be a hell of a lot better. Then again, the question is, am I really attracted to men, or am I just jealous that they are so much better looking than I am and are more popular? I don’t even know how to answer this question, or even how to go about answering it. I haven’t been in a relationship with either sex, and I’m not about to at the moment.

Anyways, that’s my rant for the day.

So! I was badgered, annoyed, pestered and everything else under the sun to attend a movie with a group of my coworkers. I tried left and right, back and forth to try and escape. I gave every excuse under the sun to try and get out of attending, but I ended up caving in and going just to get them off of my back. But, to make matters worse, one of them in the group likes me (I guess) and... now that I think about it, I'm not all that happy about it. Making the step to be with these people was hard enough for me, but I can't can't fly into a relationship at the drop of a hat. Even if I was in a relationship, I'd just cause more pain for someone than good.

Meah...

Hokay! I've made an enemy of the world yet again. It seems that I seem to do that periodically, and I don't know why I have to vent my stress towards other in a manner that seems to befit my pleasure. Perhaps it has to do with my growing distress/waiting period before I see the psych. I've got a lot on my chest and I don't think I can keep it there anymore... Before I do that, perhaps I should apologize to those that I hurt. Whether they choose to accept this, I don't know... To Jeff and Jordon, I'm sorry for exploding out of nowhere like I did (and have been)... as you will soon read on and see, it's an explanation as to why I do this every so often... perhaps it is a mental disease or defect that I have (or just the continuing stress), but... I'm not sure. I don't want to lose you two as friends (if you even considered me a friend...), although I feel that I already have... Perhaps this is just how the world works...

I really need to excercise some form of restraint when I'm online. I should have realized by now that the net is a joke and no one is serious on it. In addition to that, I should also learn to keep my feelings to myself because no one gives a flying fuck about what is wrong with me. I know I keep telling myself that I will stop, but I just can't. Everyday is a struggle for me, and I'm starting to crack now more than ever. I'm probably just a big baby, so feel free to laugh at me. I know that everyone thinks I should just suck it up and accept the fact that I am who I am and that there is no one that can change that, but I don't think it is all that simple.

Perhaps as a resort, if I end up going the way I did, just ignore me for a while. That's the only way things will every change, really.

And so it begins…

Inadvertently yesterday afternoon, I discovered that one of the people that I have a crush on at work has an obsession with a certain dog from a Sunday morning comic strip called Garfield. I don’t know whether I should be amused by this or not, but I think I can rifle off a couple of renditions of Odie to use a bribery for something. Then again, maybe not. He’s already been super lazy with watching the Family Guy Movie DVD that I made for him. Maybe I should walk over to his house and force him to watch it. Yar har har. *laughs evilly*

That aside, today I’m going to have another tooth filled. Apparently I suck at both brushing as well as flossing, so I’ve had some cavities filled since the start of the year. No, my mouth isn’t disgusting; most of the cavities are in really weird places (like my upper back molars). Thankfully my grandmother is paying for this; otherwise I’d be broke trying to pay for this.

I had a dream last night that was disturbing to say the least. I had a dream that somehow the guy I like at work discovered this journal and read all of its contents. I was at work the next day, shortly after posting a major stress relief entry and was cleaning off the counter in the department. I was working with the woman that I had told my problems to, and we were laughing about there being nothing to do since we both completed everything relatively fast. All of a sudden I heard his voice behind me.

“Faggot.”

I wasn’t sure what to think, so I turned around to make a wise ass comment before the look on his face told me that he knew.

“You sick ass fucking faggot.”

He just kept rolling with the obscenities. There were no true words to explain what was going through my heart and mind. I immediately felt weak and began a mad dash towards the back room where I could collapse behind a docked pallet of product and cry my brains out. The last thing I remember hearing was that of my coworker trying to make sense of the situation to him. Instead of listening to rational, he took off in search of me.

I was slumped up against the back wall of the store sniffling to myself wondering what I would do next when I sensed his presence. He was behind me, face flush with anger ready to take his hatred out on me. I quickly stumbled along the wall until I reach the emergency exit and forced my weight on it to open it. As I stumble onto the back dock and towards the stairs, I look back to see him standing in the doorway sneering as if the alarm buzzing was him laughing at me.

The weather was a torrential downpour of rain amidst a black as night sky, much like that of his heart I’d assume. I collapse to my knees on the pavement and stare up at the sky breaking down and crying again as the tears wash away the tears.

Then I wake up. (gg alarm)

I still don’t know what to make of that dream. Many people have asked me how I can remember dreams so well… Unfortunately I don’t have an answer for that. I just have this weird ability to remember/pick up on my dreams in full detail. Granted, this isn’t all the time, but… I don’t know what to think. Perhaps I’m getting myself all worked up over nothing, or maybe it’s a premonition of what could be coming. Either way I look at it, seeing someone for my problem isn’t going to lead to a resolution… why? There’s still the fact of telling people and awaiting for their reaction to me. I still fear the worst has yet to come. And when it does, heaven help me to deal with it.

Alrighty then! We're having fun now, aren't we? Yes indeed! I'm getting to fucking tired of assholes calling me "emo" when they don't even know what the fuck emo is. Regardless of whether or not it is a "joke" as they claim, it gets under my skin. Granted, I've been changing faces at the drop of a hat lately, but it seems that the constant waiting that I'm having to go through is starting to take a toll on my life. In regards to "lawl, you take IRC way to seriously," well, perhaps that when I'm online, I'd like things to be serious. Then again, I guess it can't be... since I'm a fucking gullible bastard.

Not only that, the rubbing one out jokes really need to stop. The joke is only funny the first few times, then it becomes downright annoying, especially when you start to feel like crap. If I had any feelings whatsoever towards those who seem to make a joke and get off on it themselves, I'd be sure to make it apparent. Why? Because that's what I do online. I'm not afraid to tell someone how I feel... well. I take that back, telling someone online how I felt about them was extremely painful and hard. I suppose I'd be more liberal about things. I guess.

Either way, I know I need help, whether I want to admit to it or not. It's taking time and that's kinda killing me. Woo hoo for that. Maybe I should just put a hole in my head to stop the headaches that have been plauging me at night. There were stanza's in my poem that were removed. Here is what they were::

I'll hold back my tears now
Becuase I love you more than anyone else in this world
With all my heart and strength
I'll say good-bye to you and let you go

It is best for us to get separated
Now we stand on the path, heading for the different direction
I'm walking alone and only my footsteps resound on the pavement
Every little thing that we shared and loved had just vanished
under the sunlight filtering down through the trees
But I realized that it was never real, but just a facade
A sorrowful facade like the one I wear to protect my innocence
As a yearning soul cries out in agony to be with one
Amidst the anguish and the tears neosis comes to mind
there never was one, and there never will be one
now and forever more

And so ends an entry that will most definately be called emo.

Meah... something I decided to write...

A Requiem for Noesis

Come to think of it, maybe you already knew everything
I often think so these days
The words don't come out, and when they do, they just wander in the air
Tears just keep on falling without any reason I could find
They were just washing away all my emotions and doubt
But all I know is on thing, the one that I'm staring at
Even for now, it is only you my eyes are reflecting
And it’s always going to be

Your very last words still wander in my empty heart
This feeling of mine expressed in a sorrowful melody
Even the lonely shadow not lingers in my memory
If I could only have just a little bit more courage

Under the raindrops, falling upon myself all this time
I was gazing up in the sky with my vacant eyes
At the far end of the earth, spreading before my eyes
I head the songs of birds seeking for freedom

No matter how much I get hurt
Or even if I get thrown deeper in to despair in the future
Nobody can stop me

Even if I come to the end of my life
There is something important that I shall never forget

So even if my voice cannot be realized
And even if I can never go back to that precious time
I will be standing right here and shouting

No matter how much the time passed me by
I will follow this firm will that stimulates my body
Because I know the evidence of my struggle will live forever

We are always searching for our own reason of existence
The murmurs of the forest are a gently singing voice
A dream that brings just a tiny bit of happiness

Turned away from me
You figure disappeared
Into the raindrops that began to fall
Tell me once again what point there is in going on

Lost with someone broken and gone
Make that burning flame dance again
Repeating, "who can stop me" over and over again
There is no forgiveness from a worlds that never changes
I'll just fade away

If you can't escape the lies, I'll give you peace
Within the pain that marks itself in my heart
A memory gone for good is more precious than anything else

But I can't hold back my tears
And even if my eyes tear up, this rain will remove them
Because I loved you more than anyone else in this world.

Solitude is shattered by the ever biting Venus
Despised lies have delicatly interwoven themselves into a glance of freedom
Bordering on a dream, extending my fintertips upward
A trigger is pulled with a carefree smile
A straining manipulation cries out do me
The end of the story is a desired fantasy everyone crowds around
A transparent future

A wakeful crybaby ideal
I begin to wander about within a distorted field of vision
Sweet Surrender, with your hands, give up on this rusty virtue
There are no words, no reason to draw closer to the grating peace
The shade of lies entangles each other and love within flickers
Running away from this blue night won't reveal anything
The jealous want

A sad question flows out passing through the spares of time
the keys of another door shining and trying in this deep night
So that it can connect strongly, the heart yerns to know the honey of freedom

Forgetting the past is never an easy thing. To be honest, I really wish that I could for get the past and never look back on it, but unfortunately I can’t. I don’t know how to say this other than with a simple “I’m sorry,” but… it has been reassuring talking to you. In the few short weeks that I got to know you, you’ve gotten to know more about me than I’ve ever really told anyone, and I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for all the ranting I’ve done to you. Truth be told, I’m just a sad man who is looking for someone to console him when there is no one there to console him.

I also want to apologize for what I really said to you. When I said that I liked you, I really meant it. It wasn’t a joke even though you and Harry seemed to think that it was. Yet, it tore me up inside with all of the joking and the teasing as a result of the “flirting” and what not that went back and forth. That puts wrong ideas in my head and leads me astray into believing something that I know won’t ever happen. Although both of us may or may not be bi, there is definitely a boundary that is different for both of us. Your definition is different than mine by a long shot, and you feel differently about things than I do. I’m sorry man, but maybe it is better that I just not tell my story to anyone anymore. No one has cared nor will they ever care about what I have to say. It’s a sad rationalization that I’ve come to, but I think that it is the truth. And since it is the truth, I have to accept that and just go on living in shame and remorse, feeling sorry for myself…

Thanks for being the ear from this annoying emo kid…

Deackychu

That's the greeting I was given this morning from the guy on maintenance. Apparently I'm grumpy in the morning or something. But seriously... WTF?! Fuck face? 0_o; Definition plz! It has been an interesting morning with the petty insults flying back and forth amongst two coworkers as they run into one another throughout the day. Good think I'm only here until noon. Wait... is that a good thing or bad thing? Nothing compares to the maid comment I made... kekekeke (they use feather dusters for cleaning here at the store... lmao) :>

So, what's new? Well, I'm trying to get my lazy ass back in shape again. I've been slacking ever since I graduated high school three years ago, so I felt that now was a goot time to start up again since I started losing shape. My abdomen hurts... :S I still have to fill out the paperwork for the psychaitrist... Wednesday is the screening interview. Fifty minutes to learn about your personal history. Yay!

--;; More after my brain wakes up. I think D:

You know, it's just one of those days where you just want to scream out just how you feel. Today I felt like everyone knew I was covering up the way I am and were harassing me as a result of it. >.<;; I hate when people do that. Interesting note... I always manage to catch the guy on maintenance looking at me if I look up... D: Okay, I'm going paranoid over something stupid. Yar.

Hokay! So, I've an enemy of the world yet again. It seems that I seem to do that periodically and I don't know why I have to vent my stress towards others in a mammer that seems to befit my pleasure. I've got a lot on my chest and I don't think I can keep it there anymore. Before I vent, perhaps I should apologize to those that I hurt. Whether they choose to accept this, I don't know. I'm sorry for exploding out of nowhere like I did, perhaps it is a mental disease or defect that I have. Perhaps this is just how the world works.

I've been venting this situation to everyone, everywhere, all the time. What's the result? The fucking hate me. I'm always dwelling on the situation as if it's a disease that will never ever go away. I'm always looking for attention when no one really cares. I want to talk about it but I'm afraid to. Let's see... where did my journey into hell begin? Well, I suppose that you can say that it started when I first realized that I was bisexual, and didn't want to admit to that. The state of denial that I am still in has been gnawing away at my inside for the longest time. I've been pining over someone that I went to school with, and it hasn't exactly been healthy. I'm trying to explain to him that I like him more than just a friend, but I don't think that it will go in the direction that I think it will. And, being that this persons brother works with both of my parents, it doesn't exactly help the situation of they discover this... You see, in my household, my parents are conformists, and I'm the person who thinks outside of the box, and well... it drives me nuts. They don't accept gays or bi's period, and if they found out that their own son was one, well, I would no longer have a home to live in, much less a family anymore. The mask that I created of being a straight arrow in a society that pretty much condemns the opposite of what they think is right scares the hell out of me.

To make matters worse, I'm getting mixed signals from people at work so I don't know what to think. There's one guy whose asking if I wanna hang out, grab something to eat and a movie, and then there's another one who says he hates me (to which I said 'join the club') and he had that look on his face and was like "*sic* Nah, I don't hate ya." That look... @_@; A:LSKDJA:SLDKAJ SOMEONE SHOOT ME PLZ!

I feel like there is a little person inside of me screaming that he wants to be let out, but I can't quite do that. I've gone over in my head the millions of ways to tell my parents, but the only viable conclusion that I come to is negativity.... there is no positive energy to be had here. can't escape the animosity of the household... I've been overworked to death at work and need a vacation, but I don't see one coming anytime soon. So basically I have a huge weight on my shoulders that I'm beginning to trip with, and I do wholeheartedly apologize to those I scorned... I know what I'm doing when I say it, but I can't stop myself from doing it... and it's only after the fact that I'm feeling shame for what I did, but even if I try to apologize, I don't think that anyone would listen. I propose that the blame be placed on my folks for this mess... I know that's "shifting the blame," but who else is there...? Me? Sure, there is me, but I try to correct it and think outside the box, but I get crammed back in so tight... >_<;;

I don't know anymore... I hope some people can offer some words of advice on this matter...

No wild enthusiast could rest, till half the world like him was possessed. We live in an ascending scale when we live happily, one thing leading to another in an endless series. A person dishonored is worst than dead. We know our friends by their defects rather than their merits. Ignorance of one's misfortunes is clear gain. Happiness is the act of being tough with ourselves and tender with others. It's not what the dream is but what the dream does. Like pilgrims to the appointed place we tend The world's an inn, and death the journey's end.

A classic example of how sad I truly am.

The classic inferiority complex I suppose. I tell someone I like them, and get scared like a little kid. I probably scared the living shit out of him too. He won't admit to it, but I can tell from talking with him. Then again... who wouldn't be creeped out by me :x

Words are beginning to escape me lately. I find myself unable to focus on the tasks at hand and am heading to hell in a handbasket that's been gift wrapped with a bow. For those of you that have known me since joining my forums and chatting on the channels of IRC, I didn't really reveal alot about myself to the world around me. Then that suddenly changed and I opened up to the faceless minions and bastards of the net that I was just another bisexual American born from the gene pool of life. I've come to realize that, after looking back on my life, I've hid this fatal flaw that I've been created with for some five years. At the start of those five years I entered into my state of depression where I didn't speak to anyone at all. I closed myself off from society because I had surmised that if someone knew, I'd be picked on, beaten up, punished, outcast, etc from this place that we call a world.

At that point, I never really knew who my friends were... I never had anyone that cared for me in the dog eat dog rat races of high school. I never really had a best friend, someone to confide in. I never had anyone I could turn to. I was the subect matter produced by living in the rhealm of adults in my childhood. I couldn't relate well with people of my own age. It had to be someone twice or even three times my age. I think that his was probably where my fallings came through. I don't know what turned me into the person I am... no one shared similar interests in me. Teacher's hated me since I asked too many questions and from time to time, was too smart for my own good.

So why did I end up turning bisexual? I honestly don't have the faintest idea. Perhaps it can be blamed on my mother who always, without a doubt, had those "hunk of the month" calander's hanging everywhere in out house (literally every room). And the more I started at them everyday, the more I wanted to be like them, and the more I wanted to be loved like they were. I don't know if that makes much sense to anyone out there, but that's how I see it.

It just doesn't seem normal to me. I mean, why do I have a strong attraction to both sexes? Why did I turn out like this? I don't think I'll even find an answer to this... it's almost as pitiful as my own life it. Oh wait... I don't have a life becaue I'm so fucking sheltered as it is... I'm so pitiful that when people hit on me, I just sit there... I don't know what to do. I can't express emotions. I can't do anything. While this leave me feeling dejected, there isn't much that I can do about that. What am I going to do? Bite the bait and hope to be caught? I can't see myself doing that though... I've also come to realize that there is no hope in this world for someone like me. Sure, I sound like I'm begging to be led around because I'm a lost little boy, but that's quite the contrary. I also sound like I'm just expecting to hear a response about all this, but I just don't know anymore.

"The world's an inn, and death the journey's end."

Some people ask me why I don’t get out much, and I only laugh and smile and more often than not, blame it on my family for not letting me out. Most of the time that is true, but the other time it’s not. In reality, I don’t have many friends much anymore. The reason why you ask? Well, I’ve come to the rationalization that I can’t trust ANYONE in this world anymore thanks to all the backstabbing and façades that I’ve had to put up with over the years of my life. It hasn’t been an easy thing to cope with, because you put trust and confidence in someone and they turn around and use it against you.

What am I getting at? Well, it just so happens that one person in particular turned stoop-pigeon on me and was ratting me out to my mother. This also happens to be the person that I secretly have a crush on. This now puts a serious damper on anything I ever wanted to confide in him about. I mean, this is a person I went to school with, was willing to bend over backwards for and what not and this happens. Now, mind you it was a minor point and all, but it’s the repercussions that will happen afterwards as a result of it. I can no longer trust in this person with any of the feelings or thoughts and what not that I have for him. It’s downright cruel.

Perhaps this is a cruel twist of fate that has been passed down to me, or maybe it was just a great deal gone sour. I don’t know what it is, but it just pisses me off. I don’t know if it’s just the effect that I have on people or what, but man, it’s just killing me inside. As of today, there isn’t a single person that I can confide in. That’s pretty sad, isn’t it? It’s just… asdjkfashd if you ask me. I’m getting to sick and tired of everything. The façade that I have been wearing is slowly growing weaker and weaker and I’ve been trying to mend that pain with no solution.

It makes me wonder why I even bother going on anymore, why I even bother posting my thoughts on this blog for the entire world to see... Yes, yes I am in an EMO mood atm... D: f34r me...